Why are Racing Cars Better Than Women?

Racing cars can be turned on  by a flick of a switch.

A racing cars thrust to weight ratio is higher.

A racing car does not object to a pre test inspection.

Racing cars have strict weight limits.

A racing car can be driven at any time of the month.

Racing cars don't have families.

Racing cars don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Racing cars don't care about how many other racing cars you have been in.

When racing both you and the car cross the finish line at the same time.

Racing cars don't mind you looking at other racing cars.

Racing cars don't object if you buy racing car magazines.

It's ok to use tie down straps on your racing car.

A racing car will kill you quickly, a woman takes her time!

THE FORMULA FORD DRIVERS GUIDE TO THE FLAG SIGNALS

1. Union Jack: You are racing at some god forsaken dump such as Lydden, Pembrey or Knockhill and the circuit management are too tight to spend any money on repairing the wiring put together by a 15yr. old work experience kid. All proper F .Ford drivers leave the line with 7000rpm as the starter bends down to pick up this flag!

2. Yellow and black quartered: Recent flag to make boring races more interesting. All F .Ford drivers speed up on seeing this flag as it gives you a chance to catch up with the bastard in front and give him the finger for .forcing you on the grass earlier in the race.

3. Yellow: See comment above, usually only applicable to one area of the track except in Stock Hatch races where it appears on every corner at the end of the first lap. Most F. Ford drivers are on first name terms with the various Clerks of the Course, they have a little chat at most meetings to discuss yellow flags.

4. Yellow and Red: Formula Vees have been the previous race.

5. Green: This is your chance to force the car in front of you onto the grass after you have caught up with him during the yellow flag zone.

6. Blue: Weave all over the road as somebody is trying to overtake you.

7. Red:Usually seen about halfway through a race, maybe earlier if it's the Festival. Stop at the start line and have a rest before returning to the battle.

8. White: Slow vehicle, either F .Ford with three wheels hanging off or a course car. On no account should you overtake the course car by diving up the inside all four wheels locked up and shouting " there that's stuffed you, you bastard "

9. Black flag: Contrary to popular opinion this does not mean you have been overtaken by a West Indian, it probably means you have overtaken all the other competing cars under a yellow in front of the only observer that happens to be awake or have his glasses on.

10. Black and white diagonal: You have been a naughty boy and are being observed. This is shown at Powertour meetings when the one spectator attending is focussing on you, it is hoped you will slide the car around to make it look like you are trying to entertain the one paying customer .

II. Black with orange disc: Shown at Winter Series championships when a marshal spots the sun.

12. Black and White chequered: This means you have just spent at least another £1000 and once again got f*** all for it.